Tuesday, December 30, 2008

All I want for Christmas

Dear M,

Stop. Just effing stop. Stop messaging me. Stop wishing me a very happy birthday. Stop sending me occasion-specific greetings and STOP calling me ‘girl’ (I am not a girl, I am most certainly not YOUR girl). Just stop.

I suppose it is partly my fault. I shouldn’t avoid confrontation. I should’ve told you a long time ago that I did not want to be in touch. I should’ve told you to just please, please leave me alone. See the thing is, I kind of assumed that if I didn’t reply to your texts or take your calls, you would, eventually, get the message (it’s been, what, two years?). Now I know you’re not *dumb* (you may be a slimy bastard occasionally, but you’re not dumb) and it can’t be that you don’t get it. So you know I don’t want to stay in touch, you know that I‘d rather have a root-canal without anaesthesia than meet you, but for reasons known only to you, you persist.

By the way, what kind of reply are you expecting to yesterday’s “Hey whassup” message? (On an aside, have you heard of this sweet little thing called punctuation?) What’s up? I’m avoiding you like the plague, is what’s up. And have been doing so for the past two years is what’s up. And stop effing acting like you’re catching up with a buddy with whom you haven’t spoken in ‘absolutely *ages*’. We are not buddies, we never were. We were two people filling in for two other people. We were the two-month equivalent of a one-night stand for each other and for the love of god, M, who keeps in touch with one-night-standers??

And now that I’m done with foaming in the mouth, M, here’s what’s really up. We met when I was at possibly the lowest phase of my life (Maybe I should add a ‘so far’ to that phrase. Not tempt fate and all). Think about it, I was willing to *sleep* my way to a higher sense of self esteem. *Head-lice* do better than that. And you remind me of that time. Is that fair? No, I’ll be the first to admit it isn’t. But come on M, since when have we done fair?

So you can understand why I’m completely baffled by this strange let’s-get-in-touch-with-CS mission.

I don’t resent you, I don’t. Most times, I forget you exist. In the few times that I have heard about you from friends, my reactions can be largely described as lukewarm. Except maybe when S told me about your wedding. She showed me your wedding card, in fact. It’s odd, possibly a sign of my advancing years, that my first thought when I saw it was almost disgustingly maternal. “Awww…M’s getting married!” I believe, was the phrase that flashed in my head.

Excuse me while I throw up.

I’d be lying if I said I wished you happiness. The truth is, I don’t wish you anything. It’s hard to wish someone well (or ill) when you’re actively avoiding thinking about them. So, apart from the occasional bout of nausea (at my behaviour, not yours), all I really really want, is for you to leave me the hell alone.

Do you think you could do that? For old times’ (as they were) sake?


Best,

C.S.

20 comments:

Tabula Rasa said...

yup, happy new year.

Sougata said...

On behalf of a certain (largish) section of menfolkses: Ouch!

Rada said...

Freud wrote: 'The evidence ... shows that almost every intimate emotional relation between two people which lasts for some time--marriage, friendship, the relations between parents and children--contains a sediment of feelings of aversion and hostility, which only escapes perception as a result of repression'...

Chronicus Skepticus said...

TR: :D Ain't it just.

Sougata: NonononoNONO! You've got it all wrong!

And hey, weren't you on *my* side?

Rada: Hello and welcome.
It's odd, but the hostility/aversion only surfaces when the gentleman in question does.

Does Freud have anything on that?

sougata said...

CS, I *am* on your side. Hard as this may be to believe, I've dealt with people who refused to get the hint. Decent people, poor reception. I understand the annoyance.

I wasn't expressing solidarity with the gentleman in question, just sympathy. That was quite the burn. Hard not to feel sorry for the guy in the barrel.

You get empathy, he gets sympathy. Fair?

In any case, we're just the peanut gallery. Ignore us ;-)

Chronicus Skepticus said...

Sougata: Fair (enough). :)

And no, you're not the peanut gallery. Isn't it obvious?

Phantasmagoria said...

Got to agree with Sougata here. Ouch. Especially since I just sent off a cheery mass email (which included person best avoided). So. Ouch. In fact, ouch, ouch, ouch. And word verification says, weedin. *sob*

Chronicus Skepticus said...

Sougata, Ph: Bunch of softies the two of you are.

*sigh* One of these days I'm going to put up the whole story.

P.S. If it's any consolation at all, the Gentleman in Question, does not *know* of this blog.

P.P.S. Ph, You send cheery mass mail? *You*?? How *could* you?!

Phantasmagoria said...

Well it was cheery by my standards. It said, 'Happy 2009, look busy, say you love me, it will change your life.'

Not everyone responded. Strange.

Prakriti said...

I have sort of woken up to your blog late in life, but must join the choruses of Ouches in reply to this post.

The "Now I know you’re not *dumb* (you may be a slimy bastard occasionally, but you’re not dumb) and it can’t be that you don’t get it. So you know I don’t want to stay in touch, you know that I‘d rather have a root-canal without anaesthesia than meet you, but for reasons known only to you, you persist." part resonates much too close to home.

This post is, uh, what they could call as a vasectomy tool.

Chronicus Skepticus said...

Prakriti: Firstly, hello and welcome.

Secondly, I don't get it. I *just* don't get it.

Wait, If this resonates to close to home, would you be a doll and explain it to me? I mean, what would drive you (not YOU per se, of course) to be get touch with someone who's very evidently avoiding you like the plague?

*scratches head*

??! said...

"what would drive you to get touch with someone who's very evidently avoiding you like the plague?"
Cluelessness, arrogant self-belief, denial....take your pick.

Maybe you should just tell the person, rather than hope they get the message. Blunt club time.

Anonymous said...

Not to malign cats - I actually like them - but some people have that feline knack no? sidling up to people who wouldn't want them within touching distance of a ten foot pole....be direct and keep on being direct...hopefully message will get through...:)

DewdropDream said...

Been there too. It fades out. They do get the message (the one you're sending by not sending one)... till then, delete button zindabad.

Chronicus Skepticus said...

??!:
I know, I know...it's just that...it's so...*exhausting*

Okay, blunt club time it is.

Anonymous:
Ah. I am not fond of cats. At all.

But I do think they're smarter than the Gentleman in Question (not that that's saying much).

Dewdrop: Gosh! You're the fourth woman to come up with a me-too scenario. Is the world full of delusional exes?

But yes, Delete button Zindabad!

Prakriti said...

Well, the reason I personally did it was, uh well, I just couldn't stop. I hated myself for dialling the number, hated that I am putting the both of us through this (wasn't delusional at all, I don't bullshit myself much), but there was this irrational hope. Perhaps I could explain it better to her this time around. Perhaps she would be more amenable to my explanation this time around. So on, so forth.

Thankfully, my ex was a darling, and took all of it (we're friends now) coz well, I was just too much in pain, and she didn't want to appear rude.

Gawd, that sounds cheesy. All of it. Well, you asked!

Chronicus Skepticus said...

Prakriti:
I did ask, and no, I don't think it's cheesy (not that what I think should matter).

So wait, important question: Did YOU call it quits?

If yes, then your explanation still doesn't make sense to me. I'm trying very hard to wrap my head around it, but nope! It ain't happening.

If no, then...well, different situation completely, no? And in this case, I'm as on your side as it is possibly to be without being an actual siamese twin. I've been there too and it is NOT a pretty place.

*shivers*

Prakriti said...

Ok, chronologically. She broke it up. I thought there is some logical flaw to the entire argument. Why would two people who gel so well want to break it up? (She had her reasons). So kept trying to break the impasse. Would keep calling. Kept calling for almost 2 years after the breakup. Every 2 months or so. Just couldn't forget the number. Would stay faraway from telephones when inebriated. Would hate myself everytime I called. Yet, the irrational hope. She was too mannered to not pick up, and say hi, how are you doing. And that cool demeanor got me madder. Why is she so cool about this? So on and so forth. It was all a long time ago, some 5-6 years back, but I still shudder at what I was making the both of us go through.

I finally quit at a meditation session, of all things. Let her go, metaphorically speaking.

But well, I guess this is what builds character in a way.

Prakriti said...

oh, is the confusion because of my name? I am a guy, by the way.

J/-\BBER\/\/ocKY said...

After having read the post, the 'ouches' and the 'me-toos', I still say "You go, girl!". My sentiments exactly-- sometimes ignorance isn't always bliss.

But I really think it's time to be more direct. That really works.

Also a hot fireplace poker. And a fork.