Monday, March 19, 2007

Oscar Material

A phone conversation with a friend, with whom I spent all 2 1/2 years of post-grad, just showed me that I am (despite the whole shy, quiet person deal) a frickin’ *brilliant* actress (or is that ‘actor’ now? Man, PC is so not my thing).

She: So I’m going to be in Bombay on Tuesday, and since you’re unemployed (yeah, rub it in, why dontcha? Bitch.) you’re coming out to meet me.
Me: *sigh* Oh alright, but there must be alcohol.
She: Yes, yes, there will be.
Me: Oh wait…you’re with Raymonds…which means, you’re staying in fucking Thane*!!
She: (shocked silence)
Me: (wonders what the hell the ‘shocked silence’ is all about)
Me: (slaps forehead as memory surfaces: this is the friend with whom I spent all of post-grad in Hyderabad)

Post-grad in Hyderabad = 2 1/2 years of not saying ‘fuck’, or c***, or even haraami out loud because the classmates would wince if I said anything stronger than kamina. The word ‘asshole’ would elicit horrified stares and the one day I said ch***** aloud, all the boys in my class - all fuckin’ 28 of them - drew in their breaths collectively and just stopped short of screaming ‘get thee behind me spawn of satan!’ and hiding behind the desks. It was just too tiring to train all of them into accepting that girls occasionally swore too (picking my battles and all of that), so I just switched to doing it in my head.

”Here is the *_______* project, you *_________*, *_________*, excuse for a project partner.”

”Keep your *_________* neanderthal ideas to your *_________* self, won’t you please?”

And I managed for 2 1/2 years. 2 1/2 years of being a ‘good girl’, of being a butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-my-mouth-no-siree girl and a who-needs-their-mouth-washed-out-with-soap?-not-ME girl.

Or alternately, 21/2 years of being the girl who spoke with inexplicable pauses in the middle of her sentences.

*By which I only mean really-really-*far*-from-where-I-live-Thane. I’m not a location snob** or anything.

** I’ve lived in Kandivali and Kalina. The latter, which is guaranteed to elicit looks of ‘Oh you poor thing! However did you *manage*?!’ So no, no location snobbery at all.


Revealed said...

Hehehe. Wash your mouth out with soap, madam. We do not associate with these swearing types ;)

I went to a catholic college. You can only imagine!!! I swear now simply because I can :P

Beth said...

I swear all the time, though not always on purpose. Three times in a staff meeting today already! I am never going to make it in India.

wiseling said...

what i fail to understand is why swearing is considered so bad.. i mean i could call you "octopus" (or anything, really) and the intent behind the word could be "fucker".. and i know a lot of people who use swear words as terms of endearment, almost.... isn't it the feeling and intent that counts? i mean if i said "fucking thane" why should that offend you? it should offend thane! and thane can't do anything about it.. so screw it! i'm finding it incredibly hard to put down the thoughts that are muddling in my head, so i'm going to stop.. i hope you got what i meant...

[i fail to understand why i'm being so [in]articulate these days.. sigh.]

Falstaff said...

__________ brilliant! An Oscar deserving performance indeed.

Now if only life came with a ten second delay.

Melody said...

Alternatively dear, you could switch over to using all the words I taught you last time we met (which really was a very long time ago now wasn't it, how you doin girl??)

Anu said...

omg! i so understand the frustration.....u were lucky though...i had 4 years of that....and i come from Kandivili too :)

Anonymous said...

What is the "ch___" word? Its driving me crazy that i can't figure it out.

Lalit Singh said...

No swearing pileej... we are the Indians.. Indians womans don't swear

First time here.. went down till the salaam-e-ishq review
u r quite good at humor

Phoenix said...

Nice to fucking meet you. I like a girl who swears...

chandni said...

soul sistah!!!!!!!!

I dont know what the fuss is all about anyways with women and swearing!!!

I do it all the time and wrote a post on it too!!

Chronicus Skepticus said...

Well look at this! And there I was worrying that I'd have mobs accusing me of 'insulting Indian culture' and chasing me with bars of soap!

Revealed: Soap? Industrial strength cleaner has thrown up its hands in despair. :D

And Catholic college!? Golly, I actually *can't* imagine.

Beth: You do? And there I was being all goody two-shoes because I didn't want to scare you!

*sigh* We so have to meet again.

Wiseling: Heh. Totally with you on the swear words as terms of endearment issue. Nothing brightens up my day like hearing a friend's voice saying "Let's meet, you *_______* bitch!" :D

Oh and I got your comment, so I don't see why you think you're being inarticulate.

Falstaff: Ooo thank you! I even have my speech all planned out!

"For this honour I would like to thank *_______* Delhi (*_______* blueline bus-conductors in particular), art school and my parents (for living in a different city)!"

*takes a bow*

Mel: Ooh yes! I'd forgotten about those. Wasn't there one about a parachute?

Oh and yes, it was *quite* a while ago! I'm good, btw. You?

Anu: Four years?? I think I would've just stopped talking!

Anonymous: The 'ch___' word is 'cheese'. Really.

Lalit Singh: *sigh* Alright, I *_____* won't then.

Oh and thank you. :)

Phoenix: Err...thank you?

Chandni: Are you allowed to use swear words with a name like that??

It's almost like watching Bambi grow razor-teeth and turn killer deer!

But yes, people do make *such* a fuss of it.

Myndfcukd said...


Vi said...

I swear all the time (though not in front of my parents) and Thane is (one of) my home towns.

Bombay Addict said...

Why all the blanks and * ?

I mean fuck is fuck even its f**k or f__k. But saying fuck as against saying f**k or f__k is kinda different, right ?

For one, try saying eff-underscore-undescore-kay versus fuck. Yee haw.

I'd say, say it out, say it loud. And then lets see who has a problem with girls using them swear words.

You should see those fisher-women and bhaaji-waalis abuse. They'd make (m)any a man turn all shades of red, mauve and purple with their knowledge of body orifices and the objects that can be inserted in them with varying degrees of pain depending on the thrust.

Protegeoflife said...

My my my is that you well mannered outspoken gal guess we were all wrong though am pure mumbaite and fuck forms strong 4 lettered word in my lingo, but then i know when and where to swear

Kunal said...


The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

hey! what was wrong with kalina? nicely located near both central, western rly lines and the airports and all that?

or that's what i used when i got the "look". :)

nosoupforyou said...

i think people are slightly confused about the "indian" part of it.

Male or female, you wouldnt get by very far in a professional hlaf productive work environment with regular swearing...or mabe you shouldnt be there if you have to swear so much!!

./w said...

I am here to tell you how humourous I think your writing is. I am a little envious of this gift that you put to use so frequently, so well. I rarely troll the internet for blogs anymore but you were recommended and I am glad I came here.


Chronicus Skepticus said...

And that wins the prize for 'Possibly the Most Cryptic Comment Ever'.

>I swear all the time, though not in front of my parents.

Oh I totally get that. As far as my parents know, my invective-vocabulary is limited to 'stupid'. Or if I'm really, really angry then 'bloody stupid'.

Parents! *sigh* You gotta love their selective deafness.

Bombay Addict:
Heh. I quite like "eff-underscore-undescore-kay". I am so going to use that in conversation sometime!

I've never heard bhaaji-waalis and co. abuse...I *must* pay more attention the next time I get into a crowded train.

Do you have something against punctuation? I had to read that sentence three times before I could figure out what it meant! :S

Yeah well, I thought YOU were all 'well-mannered' too. :D

Kunal: you too?

TGFI: said...
Heh, smart girl!

>Maybe you shouldnt be there if you have to swear so much!!

Ah! Maybe that's why I'm not!

You're too kind, really. Thank you.

Akshat Kaul said...

hilarious post

this seems to be a common complaint.

a sardarji i met down south (what, you might ask, was a sardarji doing in TN?) immediately made good use of our chance meeting to unload in my ear all the delightful galis he had been keeping bottled up inside.

he had often felt the need to vocalize and enunciate, but no-one around understood the language. painful.

The Mad Momma said...

I dont get it.. what do ppl who don't swear, do to get frustration out of their systems? i'd go up in a big bang and a cloud of smoke if i didnt say f**k at least once in every sentence.

but i learnt that lesson early. no swearing in hyd and chennai. the south seems to have less frustrated souls than us vile-tongued northies.

Rambler said...

Good one..i had stopped swearing in college..but now have started again while driving on the streets of mumbai..There hasnt been one morning when I didn't swear!!!