Monday, August 13, 2007

Yah Number Abhi Uplabdh Nahin Hai!

Dear blood-sucker money-grubber pathetic wanker Sunil Bharti Mittal,

By the time you read this I’ll have switched service providers faster than you can say “Madam main Airtel ki oar se…”. I’m sorry for doing this…oh wait, no I’m not! I’m thrilled to be doing this. So thrilled, in fact that I just dialed 121 and laughed like a maniac at the poor sod at the other end. There might have been some ‘nyaah nyaah! I’m switching networks!’ thrown in, but I’m not confirming or denying that.

I know this might come as a bit of shock to you since you’ve been so busy managing all the IV tubes that directly connect our (and by ‘our’, I mean the zillion gullible fools – myself included – who use the airtel network ) veins to your coffers, but I’ve had enough. I am done with frantically running around my house and leaning at precarious angles just to be able to complete a five-minute conversation. It is frankly embarrassing to have to tell everyone who calls you to ‘just give me a minute while I get to a window’ and have them worry about whether they’re unknowingly fuelling your suppressed exhibitionist fantasies. Especially when it is a potential employer on the line.

But you don’t know what frustration is until you’ve been disconnected five times in the span of two minutes, in a conversation with an automated switchboard, where you had to dial your card number, your T-pin number, your date of birth and the date of your last transaction, three times. Only to have a rather tinny version of Für Elise* played back at you on loop.

I think you’re a slimy bastard with a moral fibre which is more frayed, rotting wisps of thread than fibre swell guy man, but I don’t think we’re right for each other. You think it’s fun to con people into giving you more money by swamping them with marketing calls when they’re on roaming rates, I get all warm and fuzzy when I think of the things I could do to you with a pair of industrial pliers, some copper wire and an electric socket.

Anyway, I want to switch to your immediate competitor, Hutch. But you know what? We had some good times, at least until the marketing calls started coming in and your entire effing network died on me. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the money you conned me out of, or the fact that so many of my days were made hellish by your underpaid call-center executives.

So take care of yourself - (if there is any justice in the world) you need to be strong for your years in prison.

With sheer loathing utter contempt a burning desire for revenge,

Your totally-pissed-off-EX-customer.

* Poor Beethoven's probably got friction burns from spinning in his grave so fast. Such a pity the dead can't sue.


??! said...

but see, Mr.SBM is clayver-clayver. Now he chusofy money out of you by asking Big Cousin RipMart to help him set up new phamily bijness. Very claaayver man, no?

Straight Curves said...

Attagirl! Were I to list my Airtel related woes (and that list would only compete with the one for ICICI bank) we would never have an "update-your-blog-woman issue ever again!

More power to you! and may that scumbag be tortured with a zillion times of "please hold while I put you on hold"!

sougata said...


Chronicus Skepticus said...

??!: Clever, yes, but not for long! We're founding a pissed-off-at-SBM group whose sole aim will be to crush the SBM empire beneath our feet! Ve are vimmin on a mission! You are either with us, or against us! Oh wait...did I just channel...GEORGE BUSH?? Somebody, shoot me NOW.

Smee: List away, list away. And don't be gentle! And golly, you're commenting - they must've *really* got to you!

Sougata: *sigh* Yes, it was that kind of day.

??! said...

V are vith you. Vonwards to Victory!

Morpheus said...

Good good!! I get welcomed by Airtel to Delhi everytime I am in India..and then get plagued by ring tones from films I have not heard all times of the day. I see I am not the only one with a switched off (or just plain switched) mobile! Good!!

Beth said...

Move to Chicago - the dead can sue and vote! I'm sure there's a bhai somewhere in your fair city who could make that happen for Mr. Beethoven.

Chronicus Skepticus said...

??!: In keeping with today's date and all, sing vith me!
"Ve shall overcome
Ve shall overcome,
Ve shall overcome some dayyy!"

I have no idea how the rest of it goes.

Morpheus: Hello and welcome to my humble blog! Vill you sing vith us? :D

Beth: Seriously?? By god, America truly *is* the land of opportunity! I am awed. Totally.

As for the bhais, now there's an idea. Only, I wish they blogged - they'd be so much easier to get in touch with!

??! said...

tsk, tsk. what re?

Man mein hain...

Chronicus Skepticus said...

??!: Ohho! I know what is in *Hindi*, but how does the rest of the angrezi version go?

??! said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
??! said...

toh aise kaho na. pliss to be seeing here

Busterkeaton said...

Express yourself...if the lines aren't busy, if your outgoing's not barred, if you are in the reception area, if your call doesn't 'accidently' drop, if you aren't overcharged, if you can make out what your bill plan truly is and if you can actually get through to the chap you want to express yourself to.

SBM lemme express myself you mother*&%$#*&^%*xxx&^%**^ sonofa*&^(&*

the mad momma said...

where do i sign up? Airtel sucks. Vodafone is a tad better.. but thats it. just that tad. i just wrote to Godrej. We should start a blog that compiles all the brands one should avoid. hey thats an idea! i'll get started on it.