Monday, April 10, 2006

Taxi No. 9211*

There are certain movies that should be watched only under the following conditions:

1. The tickets are free. Supplied by your office in a fit of misplaced, misdirected goodwill.

2. You are a trio of women, none of whom get jelly-kneed over John A.
3. You have managed to smuggle a half of cheap whiskey and two small bottles of coke (the drink, not the other stuff) into the hall.

Proceed to Step 1.

Step 1:
All three of you must make a dash for the ladies' room while loudly proclaiming, to anyone within hearing distance, that oh my god you so have to go!

Step 2:
Amidst guarding the loo door from other users, and frantic whispers to 'hurry up and mix it already will you!', you must empty out more coke into the sink than you intended to, and end up with a disproportionate amount of whiskey.

Shrug and continue mixing.

Step 3:
Guzzle down the potent cocktail within the first fifteen minutes of the movie, then spend the next two and a half hours guffawing at Johnny boy's oh-so-sincere-yet-SO-tragic attempt at acting. Point out, at every 'emotional scene', how he looks like he's just about to sneeze, then say 'gesundheit!', loudly, when the scene is done. Be the recipient of dagger-eyes from indignant women all around.

Be partially subdued until Sameera Reddy's bosom makes it's appearance on screen, then sit up with a start.

Critically, and more importantly, loudly, debate between yourselves, about whether Sameera Reddy's bosom is more expressive than her face. Arrive at no conclusions. Continue debating.

Step 4:
In the last scene, when Nana Patekar's family starts singing 'Happy buurdayy to yoouu', join in lustily with your alto, mezzo and undefined voices. Clap loudly to what you think might be the beat to the birthday song.

Step 5:
Walk out of the hall cribbing about how some people just shouldn't be allowed into cinema halls. I mean did you see those girls?! Shameless I tell you! Absolutely shameless!

Step 6:
Collapse on sidewalk laughing. When sufficiently recovered from bout of hysteria, pick up self and two drunken friends, hail a cab and direct to nearest bar.

*Just in case the post is misleading and indicates that the movie is bearable, It's not. Not unless you brace yourself with a couple of large pegs of something strong.


J. Alfred Prufrock said...

You will NOT pay attention, will you? I posted about this one TWO months ago.


Arthur Quiller Couch said...

Owe you dope? How do you mean?

Nice post here, though you don't really need to spike your drinks in the loo. (Eeewww)

Chronicus Skepticus said...

J.A.P., Alright me little (schizophrenic) darlin', I get it. So I haven't exactly been greased lightnin', but I get it.

*miffed at being the blasted LAST to know*

AQC, YOU were offering us dope (informal: information about a subject esp. if not generally known. NOT wouldn't happen to have some of THAT as well, would you?) for a negotiable fee. Ye Olde grey cells giving up on you?

Re: Mixing drinks in the loo
Where else could you throw away the extra coke? It's too dark in the might end up spilling good alcohol!

Beth said...

I want to go to the movies with you! But only if we may also laugh at Uday Chopra.

Chronicus Skepticus said...


Uday Chopra and Akshay Kumar too!

Speaking of whom, have you watched his recent film, Humko Deewana Kar Gaye?

That one got down on it's knees and *begged* for tequila.

Beth said...

Oooh, sign me up! I just saw Akshay Kumar in a stage show and was dumbfounded. (In case you are curious, here's what I thought.)

No, I've yet to see that. I'm almost 3 hours from any theater that shows new Bollywood, unless my art theater does one at random.