Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Things that make me go - Aaaarrgghhh! Stop!! Somebody! Make it go away!!

1. Koel Poorie
Or Puri. Or Pourrie. Or Puree or whatever. A puri by
any other name, is just as heart-attack-inducing. But I'm rambling.

This is a pretty woman. With fabulous skin and lovely, lovely arms.
An immensely talented one too. How many women do you know, who have the ability, to make you want to curl up into a foetal position, and run away screaming and tear your hair out, strand by excruciating strand, all at the same time*?

Yeah. She's that good.

I watched the film Mixed Doubles recently, and while it's a decent enough movie, the aforementioned Koel Poorie, froze the blood in my veins. Now, I can understand, that she's playing a slightly eccentric character, but even if you are eccentric, I would assume that if you are doing the whole role-playing deal, you will be a little...well...involved in it? And okay, maybe she's not really into role-playing, but isn't that where this little thing called 'acting', enters the picture? I have heard more passion and longing infused into a "Pass the salt please", than in her throaty and (purportedly) seductive, "Come here and kiss me".

She played a similarly eccentric character in the completely obscure movie, called White Noise which was where little seeds of despair and disbelief were first sown.

"This woman is allowed in front of a camera? Which has a real person at the other end of it? And which will eventually lead to many more people seeing her awful impersonation of a person acting? Will mankind's propensity for sadism never cease?"

I wonder if there's a reason why she's consistently offered woman-completely-off-her-rocker roles. Could it be that she has to be offered a role (maybe filmdom works in mysterious ways?) and the producers reason that, since there are few definitive traits of women-completely-off-their-rockers, maybe no one will notice?

Well I have news for you producers...people notice. And they feel pain. And to paraphrase Shylock’s plea: Hath not a movie-goer eyes? Hath not movie-goers hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? And if you show them Koel Poorie acting, do they not gouge their eyes out?

But perhaps she's not all to blame. Perhaps a long long time ago, when she was a just a little disaster...ummm...I mean, girl, someone (probably a kind old-completely-off-her-rocker lady) told her, that she ought to become an actress. Now, being young and impressionable (and minus any signs of brain activity), she took that suggestion seriously. And damn the glaring lack of acting talent! Who needs acting talent when you're facing a camera? Absolute humbug, I tell you!

Kind old-completely-off-your-rocker lady, I'm coming after you. With a hatchet.

I thought of two more! -
1. Madhuri Dixit, in the abyss of her Sooraj Barjatya-ness...wearing red frilly dresses, and singing wince-inducingly tuneless songs about 'Chocolate, Lime Juice, Ice-cream and apparently, 'Toffeeyan'. Aaaarrgghh!!

2. Kareena Kapoor, as 'Poo' (well, at least THAT part's true) in the Karan Johar conducted, three-hour painfest, deceptively titled, Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham.
*weeps silently*

2. Fashion Designers...
and phrases like 'White is the new Black'.

What?? And I mean, what?!

What ARE you, people-who-make-such-statements? Blind as a small, winged, nocturnal marsupial?

Okay, I *get* that this is what the 'Global Fashion Forecast' says but when, o when, are Indian Fashion designers going to realise, that the GFF is essentially a bunch of white skinned people (not that I have anything against them, mind you), making colour and silhouette forecasts, for other white skinned people? Makes sense, doesn't it? That you wouldn't really design for people, who cannot wear your clothes, without looking like something that crawled out of UFO wreckage?

Indian designers, on the other hand, consider the GFF, the word of God.

If lemon yellow has been declared (by the GFF) the 'New Black', then screw the fact that it makes brown skin look choleric! Who cares about looking good! Let no one accuse us of not being 'With It'! Let there be a sudden profusion of lemon yellow pants, shirts, blazers, skirts, sunglasses and ties in every single designer boutique! Fill the streets with with people sporting The Cholera Look!

You'll see one lemon yellow clad body...then two...and then, lemon yellow clad bodies everywhere you turn! Like some genetic mutation experiment gone horribly, terribly wrong.

If skin-hugging has been declared the silhouette of the year, then every single designer outfit will be designed on the basic premise of, 'hug skin or die', and never mind that what it's hugging looks more like the Venus of Willendorf, rather than any of the sculpted bodies walking the Paris ramps. Can you imagine? Lemon yellow fertility figurines everywhere you look? It's like a bad dream. And one that you can't wake up from, until the next bloody season!

And if that isn't bad enough, these Lemon Yellow Skin-Hugging abominations will have price tags, the likes of which you can probably find on the Kohinoor diamond. Or sleek red sports cars.

The logic behind this kind of pricing, is apparently that, you're paying for exclusivity.
What I want to know is, doesn't the fact that an *individual* is donning the garment, give it 'exclusivity'?

But then, there are people who pay for these things and so what if I think they're a bunch of daft buggers. Stupid rich people exist, so people cater to them. Seems like a fairly sound business proposition - Get the SRP's to pay gazillions, for something you've spend twenty bucks on...brilliant actually!

Career option number two, here I come.


J. Alfred Prufrock said...

A trifle rambling. 'Fess up - except for the Koel Pourie bit, you weren't REALLY in a nasty mood when you wrote this, were you? (Coincidence - I just got home after watching that movie)


Chronicus Skepticus said...

Re: Rambling
I thought so too, and the long twisted sentences are making me all squinty-eyed. :(

Re: 'Fessing up
Damn! You're good!

Re: The movie
And what did YOU think of it? A post on that soon?

ggop said...

I got to check out Koel Pourie - is she as bad as Kangna Ranaut? (Saw Gangster last night and the story had potential, but she really needed acting lessons.)

Shikha said...


Loved the post :). Would love to read Point3, 4 etc too... Are you considering / already written Part II of this?